Closer
by Siren Call
Summary: As she leaves Truncheon, Rory is overcome with thoughts of Jess following their encounter in The Real Paul Anka. Some connections are too strong to break.


**Disclaimer: I don't own, just borrowing.**

**AN: I know fics on TRPA have been done a million times but in my defense, this scene is evil and needs all the help it can get. Plus it's nice to vent a little. This isn't a rewrite, just a brief continuation trying to understand what the hell Rory was thinking.**

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><p>"I'm so sorry I came here."<p>

"I'm not. It is what it is, you… me." Hearing those words, shame washes over Rory as her eyes involuntarily do, what Lorelai calls, 'the blinky thing'. If she's honest with herself, which she isn't, she doesn't want this to be the end. But she's toyed with his feelings enough already so she remains silent.

"Where'd you park?" he soon asks, in a way that she presumes is an attempt to ease into the end of this particularly painful exchange.

"Oh, I'm right outside."

Just as she's about to leave, Jess can't resist tugging at her heartstrings one last time. "If it makes you feel any better, you can tell him we did something."

"Thanks Jess," she smiles awkwardly, not quite sure how else to respond to it. It doesn't look to her like he's trying to play at her guilt; his expression tells her he's broken but trying to make the best of a bad situation… a bad situation _she_ caused for not taking into consideration, at all, what her visit to Truncheon would do to him. Her heart sinks with this knowledge because hurting _Jess_ was never her intention. It's in this moment she realizes that, for once, leaving is the best thing she can do. At least this way she can't inflict any more damage upon him.

Without another word, she walks away.

Her car is right there yet it feels like a mile long hike. Her head is down and her steps are sluggish as she drags her feet across the ground. She knows it's not really the walk that's so exhausting but she can pretend if it'll help her forget the dejected look on Jess' face when she left. She just focuses on placing one foot in front of the other so she can get in her car and drive away, leaving behind the stench of this horrible visit.

Once she finally does make it to the car and it comes time to actually put the key in the ignition, she suddenly finds that it requires too great of an effort. She's not yet on the verge of tears but her stomach is in a knot. The entire world fades away except for Jess' parting words. "How can you do that, Jess?" she mutters to herself. How can he really let her get away with leading him on like that?

The irony doesn't escape her that for someone who means _so much_ to her, someone whose presence always excites a passion within her, whether consciously or not, all she offers him in return is heartache. It's one thing, she thinks, when it was the year following their breakup because she, too, was still recovering from the pain, the likes of which she's never felt, of his taking off. But what's her excuse _now_?

Jess has come so far from the angry, rash teenager she knew in her youth. Of the two of them, he's the one who seems to have everything figured out. _"You wrote a book!" _She's so proud of him, for how much he's grown up and for doing something that's so fitting, so perfect for him. A sad smile graces her face as she remembers what he told her when she first found about _The Subsect._

"_So I just basically wanted to show you that, tell you… tell you that I couldn't have done it without you."_

"_Thanks." She's truly touched. Given how badly things went the last time they saw each other, it really means a lot that he can still praise her like this. She's just sorry she wasn't physically there with him; although a dangerous, fleeting thought reminds her that technically she could have been…_

It's a good thing she still hasn't started her car because the tears she thought would never come begin to well in her eyes and she has to take several deep breaths to keep them from falling. He credited her for believing in him and yet… she never even thanked him for prompting her to get her own life back on track.

Before he came back into her life, she was struggling to find herself; she had dropped out of Yale, was living with her grandparents and not even on speaking terms with Lorelai, her own mother and _best _friend. Yet all it took was one conversation with _Jess_ to get through to her that she lost her focus. _"This isn't you, Rory! You know it isn't! What's going on?" _

Somehow it just made sense coming from him. _One _conversation was all the push she needed to get herself back in college and patching things up with her mom.

A single tear finally falls down her right cheek but she doesn't take notice. Her gaze is zoned in on Truncheon Books, guessing Jess is probably still inside. It's scary and comforting, all at the same time, the way he can so easily bring back the _real _Rory… no matter how far away she is. He's always able to find her because Rory and Jess, Jess and Rory, are a part of each other. And the last thing she should be doing is dragging him into her predicament with Logan, especially if she's only going to kick him out after.

She could go back in to tell him all of this.

But she won't.

She knows if she goes back, she'll just end up leaving him again. Things really aren't fixed with Logan and after her spiel about how in love with him she is, she fears Jess won't want to keep his own heart open to her anymore. "Why would he?" she wonders aloud. Isn't the deep rooted truth in her speech about Logan that she's moved on from Jess?

"No," mumbling the answer to her own question. Because the real kicker, when all is said and done, is, in spite of her feelings for Logan, it's not like she feels _nothing_ for Jess.

And it's certainly not like she doesn't enjoy just getting to _see _Jess. Of course she does. In a way, seeing him feels like coming home.

But Jess deserves her _whole _heart. He's the only one actually capable of getting it, a fact that scares her more than anything. However, for the time being, as long as there's still confusion over someone else, it's not fair for them to be together. He shouldn't be taken for granted.

So it's with a sad sigh and a heavy heart that she finally brings herself to start the engine. With one last longing look at Truncheon, she pulls away.

The drive helps to clear her head but that knot in the pit of her stomach is still tied pretty tight. She's a smart girl though and logically she can't expect to be one hundred percent okay instantaneously. Her conscious mind is assuring her that in time, she will be able to accept how she's left things with Jess. Of course, the way it goes for Rory Gilmore is that her head and her heart are not always on the same page. Usually her heart is a couple steps ahead, like it was when Jess first came into her life and she fell for him without even realizing it. And this time? Somehow, deep, deep down, her heart already knows that she and Jess will find each other again. They always do. One day, they'll both be ready…

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><p><strong>AN2: Just have to say it's my firm belief RJ get back together post-series, sooner or later. It's all about timing. Anyway, reviews are always appreciated.<strong>


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